Day 6

Hm, I guess I may have missed a couple days. ;) this weekend has been a complete whirlwind. from getting way too drunk with an old friend to almost getting sent back home for the mistakes made whilst in my drunken state, saying that it has been a weekend of mixed emotions would be an understatement. things are a lot different this time around. coming here the first time was like a spa week that lasted months. i had time to relax, figure out who i am a little, travel... but i didnt take it seriously. this time its a whole nother storey. im in bootcamp. which, to be perfectly honest is something maybe i should have been put into a long time ago. i understand my faults, contrary to popular belief.. im just not sure if some of them can be changed. i am a free spirit, once someone tells me to do something without giving me the opportunity to decide to do it on my own i am immediately fueled by resentment. there is nothing in the world like knowing someone has no faith in you. of course in my case, distrust from my parents is not misplaced. i just feel at times so misunderstood. when i say something and then go back on it, its not to purposefully piss them off, ;like they presume. its because circumstances called for different actions. sometimes you cant always hold to what you say. sometimes you can and simply dont want to. for instance, this weekend. i was told to be on the last train home, actually the second to last, but once out and about with my old friend in a city i feel is familiar, i felt comfortable. i felt safe. i felt like i could do things on my own safely and that there shouldnt be a need for worry because i am an adult, i can get myself to where i need to be, regardless of the time. my parents disagree. from there it turned into an argument of who is right and who is wrong, rather than going to an understanding. it was late. i was drunk, they were tired. both states of mind that cannot be persuaded. i was NOT coming home, and my parents were NOT having that. i said somethings that could only be construed as disrespect and disregard to the people who brought me into this world. now i know being rude to your parents is something that EVERY son or daughter does. but it generally comes froma real place of disrespect and distrust from the child. again, contrary to popular belief, i have a GREAT deal of respect for my parents. they are both amazing people who i strive to be like. the next morning, i woke up and didnt even remember what i had said. i was outraged at myself. i couldnt believe it. what a smart ass little bitch i had been. to my dear mom, who literally is ALWAYS defending me to my dad. who is ALWAYS on my side and trying to help me. it still makes me choke up a little thinking of how much i hurt her that night. she couldnt even be in the house with me that morning, she left and came back a couple hours later. my dad was filled with something other that hurt, outrage. he has seen me at my worst. at my absolute meanest, and most pitiful moments. i was told to pack my bags. i was told that he has been waiting 10 years to be proud of me. this was one of the most painful things i had ever heard. and it sparked something in me. im not going to try to make someone proud of me who doesnt think its possible. but you know who i can make proud? myself. this journey is about me and bettering myself, not about making my parents proud, although that will be a side perk. im going to make myself proud, and make myself someone to brag about, because lord knows, i LOOOVE to brag. :)