the past week

My friends are coming!!! My best friend Julia and our very very good friend Chelsea are coming to London to see me!! Then we are going to Amsterdam. This is going to be exactly what I need. Things arent as great as last year, although they will be better by next year. Them coming is just going to make everything perfect. I can be myself in my element. Traveling and having fun and experiencing this crazy world!! Cant wait to experience it how it was meant to be experienced. :)

another night

Doesn’t take much
Just a tiny touch
Eyes meet
Moving feet
Stepping closer
He chose her
Strangers collide

this absolutely came out of nowhere

smiling on the inside
scowls on the out
someone tell me what shes all about
hipster girl,
who are you now?
do you change with the seasons
or stay your stay your same
what is the meaning of your hipster name?
do you try to look deshoveled,
or are you really falling apart?
why are you content
having a broken heart?
hipster girl,
who are you really?

i giggle when i watch myself

too bad blogs dont answer my questions

ive been tamed for the past 2 weeks. I made a biiiig mistake my first night out here so the past 2 weeks have been about me getting my act together. but tomorrow i get to go out again. :) not to say im going to be crazy again but im just so excited to be back in MY element. nighttime fun:) thats where i strive. smiling and dancing and laughing. im going out to shoreditch with a couple of my girlfriends. ive been thinking about it all week. also, wtf, why is he messaging me? why is he all of a sudden trying to keep in contact with me when all hes been trying to do the past couple months is push me away for this new girl. idk. ive always been aa firm believer in me and him being together. we worked. we didnt work, lol, but we worked. ill always hold a place for him in my heart and life, i believe. but how long do i wait for something that could possibly never happen. i told him i wouldnt message him anymore, but should that apply when he messages me first?

Farm life

Working on the farm has been awesome. At first i didnt think i would ever be interested in something like that but it has honestly been the only job i dont mind getting up early for. It makes me wonder if maybe i should be doing something in that field...

destructive

love for him, far more destructive than any drug. he goes right for the heart. he holds on tightly with absent hands. the unspoken conversations sink in deeper, as i sink deeper. downing. gasping for air. will you ever shallow your waters, enough at least for me to stay alive. for the longer i stay submerged, the deeper i plunge away from the light. and away from all hope.

Day 9

I started working on a farm couple days ago. shoveling poo and feeding the animals. the poo part is no fun but the animals are so interesting. i love the goats and the cows and sheep and the lambs. its exciting to be doing something i have never done before. I feel like a jack of all trades. i have worked in a cubical, in a restaurant, in a warehouse, in stores, and now on a farm as well. Life looking up i think, but thats not to say someone isnt still on my mind.
I opened up the door and let you in i know, i know, a bit messy.. i tried to tidey upp for you, but this is me im messy. i just thought, you should know me. so i opened up the door. i let you in. i trusted you with what was inside. you noticed the dust, the clutter and such. i guess you decided it was all too much.. i opened my door and let you in, after being alone for quite some time. you walked in the door then right back out. leaving me alone with the door open wide.

Day 6

Hm, I guess I may have missed a couple days. ;) this weekend has been a complete whirlwind. from getting way too drunk with an old friend to almost getting sent back home for the mistakes made whilst in my drunken state, saying that it has been a weekend of mixed emotions would be an understatement. things are a lot different this time around. coming here the first time was like a spa week that lasted months. i had time to relax, figure out who i am a little, travel... but i didnt take it seriously. this time its a whole nother storey. im in bootcamp. which, to be perfectly honest is something maybe i should have been put into a long time ago. i understand my faults, contrary to popular belief.. im just not sure if some of them can be changed. i am a free spirit, once someone tells me to do something without giving me the opportunity to decide to do it on my own i am immediately fueled by resentment. there is nothing in the world like knowing someone has no faith in you. of course in my case, distrust from my parents is not misplaced. i just feel at times so misunderstood. when i say something and then go back on it, its not to purposefully piss them off, ;like they presume. its because circumstances called for different actions. sometimes you cant always hold to what you say. sometimes you can and simply dont want to. for instance, this weekend. i was told to be on the last train home, actually the second to last, but once out and about with my old friend in a city i feel is familiar, i felt comfortable. i felt safe. i felt like i could do things on my own safely and that there shouldnt be a need for worry because i am an adult, i can get myself to where i need to be, regardless of the time. my parents disagree. from there it turned into an argument of who is right and who is wrong, rather than going to an understanding. it was late. i was drunk, they were tired. both states of mind that cannot be persuaded. i was NOT coming home, and my parents were NOT having that. i said somethings that could only be construed as disrespect and disregard to the people who brought me into this world. now i know being rude to your parents is something that EVERY son or daughter does. but it generally comes froma real place of disrespect and distrust from the child. again, contrary to popular belief, i have a GREAT deal of respect for my parents. they are both amazing people who i strive to be like. the next morning, i woke up and didnt even remember what i had said. i was outraged at myself. i couldnt believe it. what a smart ass little bitch i had been. to my dear mom, who literally is ALWAYS defending me to my dad. who is ALWAYS on my side and trying to help me. it still makes me choke up a little thinking of how much i hurt her that night. she couldnt even be in the house with me that morning, she left and came back a couple hours later. my dad was filled with something other that hurt, outrage. he has seen me at my worst. at my absolute meanest, and most pitiful moments. i was told to pack my bags. i was told that he has been waiting 10 years to be proud of me. this was one of the most painful things i had ever heard. and it sparked something in me. im not going to try to make someone proud of me who doesnt think its possible. but you know who i can make proud? myself. this journey is about me and bettering myself, not about making my parents proud, although that will be a side perk. im going to make myself proud, and make myself someone to brag about, because lord knows, i LOOOVE to brag. :)

Day 1

Coming to London the first time was something i did not want to do. I could imagine being without my friends for more than a day, let alone five months. I nearly resented my parents for bringing me here. For days after i cried and pouted around like it was the worst possiblo thing in the world to be brought to a new country. After the first week i started opening up. Walking around this foreign city was almost an out of body experience. My whole life i had been moving around from city to city. but never have I ever felt so alienated. Alienated in a good way. Before coming here i was afraid to be without my friends becuase i thought they made me better. I thought that i was my best self when i was with them. Being in London gave me the oppurtunity to figure out who i really was, as cheesey as that sounds. Making new friends, building relationships with cultures so foreign to me i almost didnt know how to deal with them, teaching myself how to be alone, it was all part of this new process. Once i came back to San Francisco I jumped right back into the same lifestyle i had been living for years before. partying with my friends, going out to bars, and not focusing on how to make my life better. i made some mistakes in different areas of my life. I let the wrong people in, which to be honest is something everyone does, im only human. So thats when i decided to take my parents up on the offer to come back to London. Maybe the first trip was just part one of the process of bettering myself. Maybe this is part 2. When I came here I fell inlove. It was a mindblowing, mind altering, kind of love. so amazingly destructive. He opened my eyes to someone i didnt know i was, and he made me second guess myself. its a confusing feeling when someone can make you go from absolute adoration to complete resentment. I fell inlove with him and the idea of him. This time, i hope to fall completely in love with myself. This is my life and I intend to live it genuinley happy with who i am and what I am doing. Im done second guessing myself.